I'm feeling like I'm drowning.
I know I'm dealing with some depression (really, take a walk in my life for a week, let alone 7 1/2 years, and see if you don't feel depressed). I've been so overwhelmingly tired lately, not getting very good sleep, and it's really, REALLY hard to make myself come out from under the warm covers each morning. But I do.....eventually.
While Jon is physically able to he has been getting up with the kids and getting them breakfast and getting the girls out the door to school. Easy enough since they can all dress themselves. I just have to be up to do Nevaeh's hair some mornings when she doesn't do it herself. This gives me at least an hour more of rest/sleep most mornings. I'm extremely grateful for it. Then I feel guilt. Guilty that as a wife and mother I should be doing more than I do. If I was in his position wouldn't I want him to do more for me? Jon is so much more "giving & serving" than I am. I'm trying to work on it, but in the midst of a 7 year long crisis with no end in sight isn't the easiest time to do it. I'm just. so. tired.
I feel like every day consists of all the things I "have" to do, and barely a "relaxing/fun" thing sprinkled in there. Saturday I'm getting together with my 3 childhood friends. We manage to get to get together about 2x a year, if we're lucky! I'm greatly looking forward to it. But in light of recent events, I worry should I leave the kids with Jon. What if he forgets who they are? What if he forgets to give them dinner and then they're hungry? What if he forgets where I am? I never know what I'll come home to. I try not to think about it when I'm out, but it's hard. I know the girls are old enough to call for help if something happens, and they're very responsible, but ... it's just not the same.
I'll spare too many details, but I got Jon an appointment with his surgeon today. I expected ... more. All he did was poke his stomach and ask some questions, gave him a lab slip to recheck his various vitamin levels, gave him a standard sheet of vitamins a post-surg patient should be on (where was this 4 years ago!?), and said see you in a year. I should be used to this by now. I should be used to going into a doctor's office, saying the same 500 things going on with him, them scratching their heads, and walking out. Except that's NOT okay.
I will be 32 years old next month. Sure, I had dreams that were unrealistic about some fairy tale future, but this? Never in a million years. I mean I have had to replay those vows in my head a million times over and tell myself *yes, you really meant it*. I just never thought that sickness, poorer, and bad would all come at once within the first 2 years of marriage and last -- indefinitely. I imagined doing things with our kids, vacations, dates with my husband, school activities together, and even ministry. Did you know that when Jon & I first got together I was so excited to some day be in ministry with Jon (he was in school at the time for youth ministry)? Now Jon isn't even physically able enough to run sound in the media booth at church which he is so passionate about.
Now I find myself worrying what will my kids be feeling when they're my age. When my kids are 30 are they going to look back and say boy did my childhood suck. Mom & dad were always too tired or stressed out that we never did anything. We never went on vacations because there was never enough money to -- or we were limited because daddy was in a wheelchair. That's not what I wanted. I wanted them to have a rich youth with lots of different experiences.
I probably sound like the biggest complainer of all times. I *hear* myself and think wow, some people have it so much worse and they're just happy and praise God for all He's done and will do. I KNOW that God has a plan. I believe in that plan. I'm okay with that plan. Really. But I'm human, and I'm suffering, and I don't *feel* comfort and peace right now. A lot of times I think it would be much different if I at least had my husband by my side to support me through difficult times, but I don't. He's here, and he loves me with the most amazing love I have ever, EVER seen from someone, but it's not the same. We're walking on separate sides of this journey rather than on the same side, if that makes sense. For example if it was another family member that was sick and he & I were each other's emotional support for one another...together. This is different. We support each other, but ... I don't know. I'm rambling now I guess.
Anyway, today I just feel very overwhelmed (and I thought yesterday was a bad day) with emotion and I'm so tired, and I have a long night of work ahead of me.
Ways you can pray =
**Pray for Jon's healing. Always.
**Pray for us as a couple to be able to communicate and connect on a closer level despite the barrier this illness has brought between us.
**Pray for me to have clarity of mind to be able to accomplish the many things on my schedule
**Pray for support -- in a variety of different ways
