MOURNING

This morning my heart is very heavy, missing some very dear friends of mine.  .......at least they used to be.  They haven't spoken to me in almost a year.  We had some seriously happy times together.  I cherish them.  I stood by them in some very dark times in their lives.  She prayed with me and for me when I was trying desperately to make the right choices in life and TRYING to save my marriage.  Then when things got really tough and I had to make the difficult decision to save my life and leave my destructive marriage, that ended.  I text.  I e-mail.  I call.  Never any responses.  I thought at first maybe their numbers had changed.  But when I didn't get a FB e-mail reply and I could see that it had been read, I knew otherwise.  I've been shut out.  That hurts.  A LOT.  I never pretended to be perfect.  I never pretended that my mistakes or choices weren't wrong.  I never pretended like it was all his fault.  Yes, I need friends who will tell me when I'm wrong.  Friends who will love me, despite who I am....a sinner.  I think it hurts especially knowing that 99% of my so-called Christian friends have abandoned me.  Some more blatantly than others.  I just don't get it.  I remember a friend of mine from church years ago, watching her marriage fall apart and watching her struggle.  I couldn't comprehend it.  I didn't understand it.  I didn't like it (and still was in the brainwashed mindset that all marriages could be fixed if they just both tried hard enough).  But NEVER once did I judge.  I didn't know what went on behind closed doors.  I heard from both sides.  STILL didn't judge. 

I've heard line "they aren't the kind of friends you want if that's how they treat you".  I've heard "they weren't really your friend".  I've heard all kinds of things.  You know what?  I don't care.  They WERE my friends.  They are amazing people.  They are Godly, Christian people.  I tell myself that maybe they just don't know how to deal with it, and so they don't.  They ignore it.  I don't think it's the best approach, but again, I don't know what goes on behind closed doors with them and what they're thinking.  They haven't given me an opportunity to share my heart.  They haven't given me an opportunity to apologize for hurting our friendship through all this by tearing our "group" of 4 apart.  It just .... ended.  It hurts.  Terribly.  I'll never get to know their children.  My children miss them and will never see them again - though it is slightly possible that their father could arrange a visit with them.  So, yeah.  That's what started this whole post.  And I came across this letter online - because without a lot of friends to talk about this with ... I look online for encouragement.  I modified it a bit, and this is what I'm left with.....

 

TO MY FRIENDS AFTER DIVORCE: 

I'm so sorry that you feel you've had to take a side, or form an opinion or invent a theory behind what has happened to the marriage of your two friends.

I can tell you that I have been you. I formed opinions. I gossiped. I speculated about motivations, intentions and conflicts that I knew nothing about. I seemed to get some satisfaction out of organizing the pain of other people's lives into some order that I could understand. I'm not proud. I've learned my lesson that it is not my place to evaluate the lives of others. 

I will never know what you THINK you know about my marriage. I will never know what you've heard or what you've been told. I can speculate by your silence and eventual dismissal that I'm not being thought of in a flattering light. I understand. But I would like you to know that it is not fair.  There were equal mistakes.  God sees all of our sins equally.  God sees that BOTH of us failed to honor our covenant.  I have asked God for forgiveness of my sins, and by His grace, I have been forgiven. 

My marriage was abusive.  Maybe not physically (though there was ONCE, which is more than enough), but certainly emotionally & psychologically.  You call that guy "friend". You didn't know.  Of course, how could you? I certainly wouldn't rat him out. I thought so much of it was normal or just typical "marriage". You know, where one spouse yells a lot and admonishes her lack of character and integrity. Reminds her on a daily basis that she is untrustworthy and lazy and needs to be a better wife. Where one spouse assures the other that she was the one making all the mistakes. You know, marriage?

I wish I was given the opportunity to tell you how much your friendship actually meant to me. You couldn't understand that the smallest niceties went a very long way. That a smile, or a conversation, or a "I don't know how you do it" meant so much to me. That it gave me worth as a human being. I started to realize through your friendships that I had value outside of my husband. I started to feel as though I had merit on my own, and that my deeds could be evaluated on their own and not measured by how they benefited my husband. I looked forward to your phone calls and your laughter. And you may not have known this, and I suppose that's my fault for lying to you and myself for so many years, but sometimes your phone calls, and text messages were the highlight of my day.

I still have to see some of you. I still stiffen my body and try to neutralize any facial expressions so that you might not get a glimpse into just how hurt I am. I am so hurt by your dismissal. I feel as though I've been kicked when I was already down. Maybe you don't see that hurt because I have perfected the ability to carry on with a neutral face.

I hope you know that you mean a lot to me. Even if we never talk again. Even if you continue to act as though I'm not in the room, and avoid all eye contact and tear me down in your private chats with my ex, I hope you know that you were an important part of my life and I ought to be thanking you for your smiles and your handshakes and your kind words. If you had never said them I might still be anchored to someone who hurt me.

Seems like a stupid thing to say, but thank you for lifting me then, even if it means you are hurting me now. I am much more prepared to deal with your hurt now. I am in a safe place now. I can cry in peace. I can heal in peace. I can ask for comfort from my family. I know who my friends are. I needed you then. I guess that's worth something.

So... thanks for the memories.

Church is an entirely different subject.  I grew up being at church every time the doors were open.  Sunday morning.  Sunday night.  Wednesday night.  Youth activities.  VBS.  Involved.  I didn't exactly "love" it growing up, but as I became an adult I realized how important a church family is.  I found my church family shortly before I met my ex-husband.....AT the church.  I used to welcome others to attend my church, because I felt it was a great, loving, God-fearing church.  And perhaps at its core, it still is.  But the people in it are hypocrites.  I can accept that part of the struggle is my issue.  That I feel ashamed because of my choices that contributed to the ultimate failing of my marriage.  But when I walk into a congregation of GOD's PEOPLE and I feel like a black sheep in a room of white -- there's something wrong.  WHY.  I just want someone to be honest and open.  Tell me WHY you choose to treat me this way.  Why is my marriage failing a problem for YOU?  Am I not the same person, just now divorced?  Perhaps if someone could explain it to me, I could understand it better, grieve, and move on.  But dang it....it hurts, and I want to understand it so badly.  Send me an e-mail.  Send me a FB message.  Text me.  CALL ME.  I don't care how you do it, but please.  I know at least ONE person I'm thinking of sees this.  I'm still Sarah Elizabeth Harman.  That's who I was born, and that's still who I am.  I've grown and changed and learned from life's lessons and mistakes, but I'm still ME.  Isn't that who you loved?  You loved me for ME, not because of my marriage.....right? 

Anyways.....I just had to put my thoughts into words to try to help.  I hate when I let this get to me, but I read it's part of the process.  I need to grieve.  I need to heal.  It's going to take time.  I need to build NEW relationships.  I need to find a NEW church family who will accept me as me, not as a divorced woman.  I need to continue to heal emotionally.  Thankfully God has blessed me with a close few persons who have showered blessings and love and prayers over me and my little ones.  Today, I am thankful for YOU.  Yes, YOU.

<3