MOURNING

This morning my heart is very heavy, missing some very dear friends of mine.  .......at least they used to be.  They haven't spoken to me in almost a year.  We had some seriously happy times together.  I cherish them.  I stood by them in some very dark times in their lives.  She prayed with me and for me when I was trying desperately to make the right choices in life and TRYING to save my marriage.  Then when things got really tough and I had to make the difficult decision to save my life and leave my destructive marriage, that ended.  I text.  I e-mail.  I call.  Never any responses.  I thought at first maybe their numbers had changed.  But when I didn't get a FB e-mail reply and I could see that it had been read, I knew otherwise.  I've been shut out.  That hurts.  A LOT.  I never pretended to be perfect.  I never pretended that my mistakes or choices weren't wrong.  I never pretended like it was all his fault.  Yes, I need friends who will tell me when I'm wrong.  Friends who will love me, despite who I am....a sinner.  I think it hurts especially knowing that 99% of my so-called Christian friends have abandoned me.  Some more blatantly than others.  I just don't get it.  I remember a friend of mine from church years ago, watching her marriage fall apart and watching her struggle.  I couldn't comprehend it.  I didn't understand it.  I didn't like it (and still was in the brainwashed mindset that all marriages could be fixed if they just both tried hard enough).  But NEVER once did I judge.  I didn't know what went on behind closed doors.  I heard from both sides.  STILL didn't judge. 

I've heard line "they aren't the kind of friends you want if that's how they treat you".  I've heard "they weren't really your friend".  I've heard all kinds of things.  You know what?  I don't care.  They WERE my friends.  They are amazing people.  They are Godly, Christian people.  I tell myself that maybe they just don't know how to deal with it, and so they don't.  They ignore it.  I don't think it's the best approach, but again, I don't know what goes on behind closed doors with them and what they're thinking.  They haven't given me an opportunity to share my heart.  They haven't given me an opportunity to apologize for hurting our friendship through all this by tearing our "group" of 4 apart.  It just .... ended.  It hurts.  Terribly.  I'll never get to know their children.  My children miss them and will never see them again - though it is slightly possible that their father could arrange a visit with them.  So, yeah.  That's what started this whole post.  And I came across this letter online - because without a lot of friends to talk about this with ... I look online for encouragement.  I modified it a bit, and this is what I'm left with.....

 

TO MY FRIENDS AFTER DIVORCE: 

I'm so sorry that you feel you've had to take a side, or form an opinion or invent a theory behind what has happened to the marriage of your two friends.

I can tell you that I have been you. I formed opinions. I gossiped. I speculated about motivations, intentions and conflicts that I knew nothing about. I seemed to get some satisfaction out of organizing the pain of other people's lives into some order that I could understand. I'm not proud. I've learned my lesson that it is not my place to evaluate the lives of others. 

I will never know what you THINK you know about my marriage. I will never know what you've heard or what you've been told. I can speculate by your silence and eventual dismissal that I'm not being thought of in a flattering light. I understand. But I would like you to know that it is not fair.  There were equal mistakes.  God sees all of our sins equally.  God sees that BOTH of us failed to honor our covenant.  I have asked God for forgiveness of my sins, and by His grace, I have been forgiven. 

My marriage was abusive.  Maybe not physically (though there was ONCE, which is more than enough), but certainly emotionally & psychologically.  You call that guy "friend". You didn't know.  Of course, how could you? I certainly wouldn't rat him out. I thought so much of it was normal or just typical "marriage". You know, where one spouse yells a lot and admonishes her lack of character and integrity. Reminds her on a daily basis that she is untrustworthy and lazy and needs to be a better wife. Where one spouse assures the other that she was the one making all the mistakes. You know, marriage?

I wish I was given the opportunity to tell you how much your friendship actually meant to me. You couldn't understand that the smallest niceties went a very long way. That a smile, or a conversation, or a "I don't know how you do it" meant so much to me. That it gave me worth as a human being. I started to realize through your friendships that I had value outside of my husband. I started to feel as though I had merit on my own, and that my deeds could be evaluated on their own and not measured by how they benefited my husband. I looked forward to your phone calls and your laughter. And you may not have known this, and I suppose that's my fault for lying to you and myself for so many years, but sometimes your phone calls, and text messages were the highlight of my day.

I still have to see some of you. I still stiffen my body and try to neutralize any facial expressions so that you might not get a glimpse into just how hurt I am. I am so hurt by your dismissal. I feel as though I've been kicked when I was already down. Maybe you don't see that hurt because I have perfected the ability to carry on with a neutral face.

I hope you know that you mean a lot to me. Even if we never talk again. Even if you continue to act as though I'm not in the room, and avoid all eye contact and tear me down in your private chats with my ex, I hope you know that you were an important part of my life and I ought to be thanking you for your smiles and your handshakes and your kind words. If you had never said them I might still be anchored to someone who hurt me.

Seems like a stupid thing to say, but thank you for lifting me then, even if it means you are hurting me now. I am much more prepared to deal with your hurt now. I am in a safe place now. I can cry in peace. I can heal in peace. I can ask for comfort from my family. I know who my friends are. I needed you then. I guess that's worth something.

So... thanks for the memories.

Church is an entirely different subject.  I grew up being at church every time the doors were open.  Sunday morning.  Sunday night.  Wednesday night.  Youth activities.  VBS.  Involved.  I didn't exactly "love" it growing up, but as I became an adult I realized how important a church family is.  I found my church family shortly before I met my ex-husband.....AT the church.  I used to welcome others to attend my church, because I felt it was a great, loving, God-fearing church.  And perhaps at its core, it still is.  But the people in it are hypocrites.  I can accept that part of the struggle is my issue.  That I feel ashamed because of my choices that contributed to the ultimate failing of my marriage.  But when I walk into a congregation of GOD's PEOPLE and I feel like a black sheep in a room of white -- there's something wrong.  WHY.  I just want someone to be honest and open.  Tell me WHY you choose to treat me this way.  Why is my marriage failing a problem for YOU?  Am I not the same person, just now divorced?  Perhaps if someone could explain it to me, I could understand it better, grieve, and move on.  But dang it....it hurts, and I want to understand it so badly.  Send me an e-mail.  Send me a FB message.  Text me.  CALL ME.  I don't care how you do it, but please.  I know at least ONE person I'm thinking of sees this.  I'm still Sarah Elizabeth Harman.  That's who I was born, and that's still who I am.  I've grown and changed and learned from life's lessons and mistakes, but I'm still ME.  Isn't that who you loved?  You loved me for ME, not because of my marriage.....right? 

Anyways.....I just had to put my thoughts into words to try to help.  I hate when I let this get to me, but I read it's part of the process.  I need to grieve.  I need to heal.  It's going to take time.  I need to build NEW relationships.  I need to find a NEW church family who will accept me as me, not as a divorced woman.  I need to continue to heal emotionally.  Thankfully God has blessed me with a close few persons who have showered blessings and love and prayers over me and my little ones.  Today, I am thankful for YOU.  Yes, YOU.

<3

Merry Christmas!

Less than 24 hours until Christmas!  I can't believe it's December 24.  This year has been intense, to say the least!!!

• Jonathan & I worked through separation and brought our family back together in the beginning of the year
• I had some health issues and had surgery in September
• I was hospitalized for an emotional breakdown
• Both Jonathan & I are adjusting and learning how to function with both of us working full-time

And Riley began first grade and his behavior has gone downhill fast.  There's been happy times - and I'm very thankful for those.  But I'm being very transparent when I say this year has sucked and while I've said it during hard times before -- I don't know if I can take any more.  I don't know how we have made it through all we have in the last 12 years.  Our therapist often tells us "you've dealt with and are dealing with quite a bit more than the average family deals with in their lifetime".  Yes.  Is there a prize with that?? 

Riley was hospitalized at The Meadows in Centre Hall for 9 days total.  He was discharged on Monday the 22nd.  That afternoon I re-registered him for the partial program where he will continue to attend 8-2 Monday through Friday for an indefinite period of time. 

When we picked him up, it was simply a nurse coming to the lobby with a few papers to sign and a "bye, Riley".  That's it.  We got in the car and drove home.  It felt odd -- like there certainly should have been more to it than that?!  But there isn't.  That's the sad thing. 

On the way home I asked Riley kindly if we could please take care of his hair.  Normally I shave it short at home, but for about the last 6 months it's been a battle, with him screaming and pulling away from me.  So I tried to make a deal.  Could you either let mommy do it or I will take you to a salon if you prefer.  He wanted the salon.  So while I hated to pay $23 for a haircut I can do myself (that's with giving her a generous tip because it's Christmas and well, keep reading), I have to pick my battles and go with it.  So we did a few errands just he & I before his intake appointment at 2:30 for the partial program.  We had an hour to kill when we had everything done ... except the haircut.  He insisted he wanted to do it after the appointment.  I know that this would not have made a difference and he was simply putting it off.  So I held his hand and we reluctantly walked into Great Clips. 

Once in the salon he sat in the waiting chair and curled in a ball and locked his fists around the arms of the chair.  I checked him in, and the lovely girl named Brittany with purple hair was so sweet trying to talk him into letting her cut his hair.  He hung his head and clung to the chair saying no no no.  He tried to say he wanted me to do it at home now.  Knowing the way things go, I knew that was just a ploy to get out of it at that very moment and that home would be no less painful.  So I managed to stay calm (though I wanted to cry that this was happening already) and get him back to the chair.  Once there, he slumped down low and pouted.  She put the cape on him and he began crying very loudly no no no!!!  So we tried to discuss with him about which razor she would use so that it wouldn't hurt at all and to make him and I both happy.  Once he indicated what he wanted her to use, we thought we were ok.  As soon as that razor touched his head he was screaming and trying to get out of the chair.  I had to stand in front of him, legs locked between mine, holding his wrists down while she tried desperately to be quick about it.  Mid way through he began screaming he needed to use the bathroom.  My mind had to quickly determine if he truly did or if it was a ploy to get out of it.  I decided if he truly did have to go that bad and wet himself I wasn't going to be angry or upset, but dang it - he was finishing his haircut FIRST.  So we managed to get it all done - both of us covered in hair - and he went to the restroom, got his lollipops, and we paid and thanked the kind girl profusely for her patience and left.  Once out the door he immediately was jolly and making jokes about now his head is cold and silly mommy you should have brought a hat for me!  I chuckled, and yet in my mind was thinking how can he go to such extreme behaviors so quickly?!?

Once home I told him we could play a game of Othello together while the girls did their homework with daddy.  He liked that idea.  We had a bit of a scuffle that he had to put away a few things before playing, but he did ok.  He was a little hyper, but seemed to be handling himself pretty well.  Until....

Jon & I had our weekly counseling appointment at 7:00 and the kiddos needed to go with Nonnie to finish some shopping.  Riley simply didn't want to go.  He wanted to stay home.  So he stomped and argued and fought.  He sat on the steps and began to punch himself.  He just didn't want to go and wanted us to stay home so he didn't have to go.  Eventually we were able to leave and she managed him ok, thankfully. 

Once we got home, however, it was a battle for him to go to bed.  He was yelling at us, stomping his feet.  I'm hungry.  I don't want to sleep.  I'm not tired.  Going in his sister's room.  Making a bunch of noise.  Coming down to our room.  I just burst into tears.  In front of him.  I cried and sobbed and said "Riley, why??  Why are you so sad and angry when you're home with mommy & daddy??  What is wrong??"  He just snapped "I don't know".  Jonathan said I'll handle him - you go to sleep.  Apparently he got him calmed down for a while but he was up twice in the night. 

I just don't get it.  We've gotten nowhere.  Seriously -- nowhere.  I don't know what his stay at the hospital has done for him.  I don't know what the partial program is doing for him.  It's home.  Something is wrong at home.  Something triggers his mind at home.  You'd think we were horrid abusive neglectful parents the way he acts out. 

Oh, did I mention there are family/home based services, but we can't get those because he doesn't have medical assistance.  Isn't that nice?  I have a job, with good benefits, but they don't cover those services that are desperately needed.  I've applied for it, as we've been told he can get it with a mental health diagnosis even though we don't meet income requirements.  We'll see if that comes to fruition -- in however many weeks or months that may take to get processed and then home services set up.  In the meantime??  We're on our own.

I'm stumped.  We're stumped.  I guess we just live with things the way they are, cry when we need to, and love him the best way we know how....and pray that we have a breakthrough at some point.  What else can we do?? 

We love you Riley -- with all our might. 

Update

So Saturday evening (the 13th) Riley was admitted inpatient to a facility in State College.  He handled it well, no crying or clinging....which we found a little odd, but were thankful. 

He had a bit of an issue with his first roommate -- that child lashed out at him.  Thankfully there were no injuries and he seems unaffected by the incident.  He had a second roommate, and was unable to follow rules with that roommate and now has a third....

He calls us every evening around dinner time and we talk for about 10 minutes.  He doesn't get emotional at all -- just tells us about his different therapy groups and all the yummy food he gets to eat (he's a bottomless pit, even on the ADHD meds!).  He sounds so ... different ... on the phone.  I can't describe it.  Hollow maybe?  It's just strange and unemotional. 

He had a medication added at bedtime to help him with impulsiveness & sleep.

We had a family phone session with Jon & I, the therapist, and Riley on Tuesday morning.  I don't really know where it got us -- but I'm trying to trust that things are progressing. 

He has been doing well in the program, which actually kind of worried us.  Home is SO extreme that if he can't get help somewhere by them seeing the issues and helping us with treatment, then I don't know what we'll do.  This morning when I spoke with his therapist she said that he's having trouble "respecting boundaries" with the other male residents.  So perhaps he's starting to show some of the behaviors and this well help them better develop a treatment plan.

I asked his therapist this morning if they had an idea of discharge date.  Not because I'm rushing to get him home, because I want him to stay there as LONG as it takes for him to get well -- or to a higher level of safe function.  More because I just didn't know what page they are on with that....and we all know insurance pushes to get people out the door.  She said that he has a tentative discharge date of 12/24, but with the recent behaviors it may be changed.  That will be assessed early next week. 

It's been difficult at home.  We miss him.  It feels so strange.  I find myself looking at his pictures and watching old videos and tearing up.  There's an odd silence in the house.  Yes, I'd be lying if I didn't say it's a breath of relief, but it's still emotionally so devastating. 

I technically have more time to be getting cleaning and things done, and I just don't have the energy.  I'm not sleeping well (even with medications) and I'll admit -- my depression has hit a pretty low point again and I'm struggling.  I managed to drag myself to work today, and we had our holiday celebration, which involved a lot of much needed laughs with my co-workers!

Please continue to pray for the situation, in all its many aspects......

The Hardest Thing....

We've come to the end of our rope.

Jon & I cried a lot and tried to decide what's best for Riley. This morning after Jon took the girls to a friend's we brought Riley to crisis and asked for help.

He's been accepted to a facility in State College. I'm devastated that it's so far away, but we are holding on to the hope that he will get the help he needs.

Please continue to pray for all of us.

What Have We Become?

I haven't posted in a long time. Life got the best of me. Writing my thoughts down seemed more painful than helpful. But I'm at a point again where I thinking putting it out there for others to understand what we're going through may be helpful. This post may be all over the place....excuse my clouded brain.

Riley.

Just typing that one word makes me take a huge breath, brings tears to my eyes, and my heart is heavy. Riley Beckett. Our blonde haired, blue-eyed, super smart, funny, 7-year old boy. THAT'S Riley. But lately we haven't been able to see through all the muck to enjoy that boy that is lost inside his little body. It's painful....and is leading to some painful decisions on the part of mommy & daddy. Decisions I never thought I'd be faced with making.

Riley has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). For a long time we let people tell us "Oh, he's just being a boy" or "Oh he's strong-willed" or things along those lines. I knew when he was quite young that it was more than that, but could never quite explain it. With the start of 1st grade this year -- it started coming out more and more -- and outside the home. He finally was diagnosed in October by his pediatrician.

We started him on a low dose of Methylphenidate, which in one month's time was at its maximum dose with little improvement. His outbursts became worse to the point of suspension from school. Suspension. F.I.R.S.T. G.R.A.D.E. One Thursday afternoon I ended up sitting in the emergency room crying my heart out to a stranger, telling her my son is out of control and we need help. The plan was to have him admitted to a psychiatric hospital, as he was unpredictable, violent, hurting others, at risk of hurting himself, and it would be the quickest way for a psychiatric evaluation. But when they began making phone calls and there were no beds locally and they were going to start calling places over 2 hours away, I didn't feel that was in the best interest of Riley to be so far away. We were told about a partial day program that he could attend. So I thought we could handle it and I brought him home.

He's been in the partial day program for almost 2 weeks now. He does well and gets good behavior points each day. He's seen a psychiatrist and his medication was changed to see if it worked better for Riley. It hasn't been. As I said, he does well in the program, but home is a nightmare. Going to a store is a nightmare. Going ANYWHERE is a nightmare. So the doctor indicated Wednesday of this week that we should start an afternoon dose to help with evening. Yesterday (Thursday) was the first day we administered that dose. NEVER again. Riley was up a total of 21 hours straight from yesterday morning through mid morning this morning. From the time he got home at 3:30 and for the next 12 hours until his little body gave up -- NIGHTMARE.

I don't know many people -- no ANYONE -- who have a child with ODD. I don't know how to describe it other than every. single. thing. is a battle. I mean everything. But it's unpredictable. You never know what will trigger him. It could be something that just happened or something that happened yesterday. It could be how you put his food on his plate. It could be how you look at him. It could be how you make his bed. It could be telling him it's bedtime. Literally everything. It's a struggle to know as a parent when to give in and let him have his way and sticking your ground so he knows he's not in charge. But even then you can't win. "Mommy I want to sleep on the floor". Sure. No problem. {Make bed on floor} "No - I want to sleep in my bed". Okay, but I'm going to make your bed and that's it. We're not changing it again. We cannot go back and forth. "Ok". {Make bed again} Ok, crawl in. "NO! I want to sleep on the floor!!!" When I refuse to give in to his defiance, ensue the next 7 hours of a battle. I spent the first hour with him wrapped in his sheet, arms at his sides, hugging him in his bed. He cried. He screamed. He kicked. He tried to bite. I just held him until my heart couldn't do it another second and I had to leave the room. I went to my room and sobbed. {this has been happening nightly for a while} Then, surprisingly it was quiet for a few moments. Then we heard him in his sister's room chatting and keeping her awake. Then he turned his radio up loud. Daddy went upstairs to put him back in his bed -- and honestly I'm not sure what all transpired after that because my sleeping medication kicked in and I was in a fog and then out. The last I looked at my clock it was after 11:15 and we started bedtime at 8:00. Daddy told me this morning it went on until 3:30 a.m. till he crashed. He had to be watched, because we just don't know what he will do. He's impulsive. Unpredictable. So he & daddy only got about 3 hours of sleep last night -- and I can't imagine how their day is going....I got about 6 hours of sleep and I'm dragging.

Worse than that -- I'm dreading going home from work. I'm tired. I haven't even described a tiny bit of what has transpired. But know this -- our life revolves around just functioning, and keeping Riley & the girls safe. Most times Daddy & I take turns. Go until we can't go any more. Somehow we manage to put food on the table -- some nights it burns because daddy is juggling Riley and dinner and I'm driving the hour home from work. Sometimes daddy has to work late at night after everyone is asleep because it's the only time he can get out. Sometimes grocery shopping gets pushed aside until it absolutely HAS to be done, and even then we're zombies at the store and forget half of what we went for (even with a list). Everything is a choice of who goes where with which child/children.

We both cried last night. Our hearts hurt because we just don't know how to help Riley, and it's becoming less and less functional at home, and not a good environment for his sisters. So what do you do? He's my son. He's my responsibility. I love him. But perhaps I can't give him what he needs. And THAT is like ripping my heart out.

I don't want to send him away, but I don't want to wait until something "irreversible" happens and regret it for the rest of my life.

Daddy & I don't know how to function. We're barely hanging on from minute to minute.... Our marriage is struggling. Our girls are struggling to feel like they have a place - like they're important and loved -- because they see that everything hinges on Riley's behavior. They're smart girls, and we've talked to them about it, but it's still not fair to them.

We're a hurting family, and our poor little boy needs help that we don't know how to give him. We're trying. We will give up everything for him to get the help he needs....if we can just figure out what that is. In the meantime -- please know why we look a bit frazzled and have blank, very tired faces.

We're hanging on by a thread....a very thin and fraying thread.

The Mess....and More!

So things have certainly been interesting around here...as usual.

I’ll go back a little....

A little over a week ago we had to take our new puppy to the animal hospital because one of the kids {accidentally} closed the door on the doggie’s leg and it looked pretty gnarly. Fortunately she was okay and no broken bones {$130 later}.

This past week on Friday Natalie had a fever in the morning, so we didn’t send her to school (just in case she’d have a fever later and they’d want us to come and get her). Then throughout the next 3 days all the kids & Jon seemed to have some form of just general “yuckiness” with a fever scattered here and there and some vomiting. Unfortunately we had Natalie vomit in the middle of the night and all over her bed. NOT fun to clean up. My poor washing machine can’t catch a break around here!!

Saturday evening I was able to go by myself (since the rest were all sickies) to a fun gender reveal party for our dear friends Tim & Suzie. Turns out my guess was right - baby Sophie Marie is due in August and I cannot WAIT to spoil her (and take lots of pictures with HUGE flower headbands - haha).

Monday evening I had the privilege of taking photos for our church’s passion play for the second year in a row (more to take at Thursday’s rehearsal too). I was really tired and needed a pick me up to do the photos, so I got an iced caramel macchiato at Starbucks (my new favorite, though they are too pricey to feed that addiction too much) to wake me up. Stupid mistake - but probably a blessing in disguise. I drank that at 6 p.m. on Monday. Needless to say I had a hard time falling asleep that night.

Finally around 3 a.m. I felt like sleep was coming. Then I heard a loud noise upstairs. Natalie's bedroom is directly above our bed and she walks like an elephant, so I just thought it was her going to the bathroom and tripping over something (maybe the bin I had left sit in the hallway - oops). So I listened for a few minutes and still heard a little noise, so I thought I better go check on her. I walked up the stairs and didn’t take in the whole picture - I focused right on Natalie standing in the kitchen coughing and crying saying “I can't breathe!! Mommy, why is there so much dust!?” I then opened my eyes to realize the house looked like it had been covered in baby powder and there was thick dust in the air you could taste. Adrenaline kicked in and I woke Jon up and said something is wrong, I don't know what. He came upstairs and immediately knew the smell. He said it’s a fire extinguisher. What is going on?? We looked down the hall, and sure enough the closet door was open and the extinguisher in the closet was on the floor. I later found the pin during cleanup, who knows how that was pulled, and the only thing we can figure is it fell over and squeezed the trigger enough to spray.....EVERYWHERE. {see pics} We quickly took all 3 kids downstairs to our room, which was the ONLY room in the house which had zero dust in it since it’s so separated and the door was closed. Natalie was coughing pretty badly saying her throat burned, and Jon tried to help me figure out how to start cleaning, but he was coughing and eventually vomited from the chemicals, so he stayed down with the children. I took about an hour and just tried to use my regular vacuum to vacuum up the really loose stuff. About 4:15 I decided I needed to get at least some sleep because Tuesday was going to be a busy day of cleaning, unfortunately. So myself, Jon, all 3 kids, and Mia {puppy} all found a spot on our bed and slept (with no heat on a 28 degree night mind you since we turned the furnace off until we could clean up all that dust). 7:00 a.m. came quickly and we were struggling to wake up, but we had to get the girls to school. So I went upstairs and found clothes for the girls, grabbed a cup of milk and fixed some yogurt with granola for each, took them downstairs and had them sit on the floor and eat breakfast. We got them out the door to school and then the day’s tasks consisted of getting a shop vac from my father and vacuuming what I could, and then LOTS of scrubbing. Nevaeh’s room needed dusted and vacuumed, the hall closet where the extinguisher was needed completely emptied, all linens washed, and everything wiped down, the upstairs bath needed everything cleaned, the kitchen needed floor to ceiling wipe down, and one pantry needed completely emptied and wiped down - plus all the upstairs laminate floors needed mopped - 2 times - and still need more. We had two friends come and help with the cleanup, so I was actually finished around 5:00. Not bad. But boy was that a nightmare - especially finding it in the middle of the night!!! Natalie was originally going to see the dr last evening because she was complaining her throat hurt and her chest hurt (she had the most exposure to it other than me from cleaning) and I was concerned, but then she was running and playing just fine outside, so I figured it couldn’t be that bad!! We are thanking God that despite the mess, frustration, and inconvenience, nothing serious was damaged (we threw out some food that was exposed) and no one has any health issues from it. So God is good!

Last evening the kids went to bed at 7:00 and we never heard another peep from them and they slept until 7:00 this morning - so they all got good rest. I had only had about 2-3 hours of sleep the night before, so I was sawing logs by 9:30 and felt pretty rested this morning!

So today Jon had to be at Hershey for a 9:00 {new} appointment with an endocrinologist. He was being seen to help evaluate why his Vitamin D & B12 is deficient and how to help him get to a good level and maintain. It was a good visit, and this doctor is nice.

He was mainly concerned about his Vitamin D levels more than his B12 and said to just continue taking the 15,000 IU daily that he’s been (in addition to what is contained in his bariatric multi) and we’ll keep an eye on it, but that he’s in an “ok” range right now.

His Vitamin D is 8 and should be minimally 30. So, now that he is able to walk again and should be increasing his activity, he again stressed to be outside 20-30 minutes a day to help get some naturally from the sun (which he was already trying to do, it was just not happening very often). He will have extensive labs done to check various things, and then will be given a regiment to follow for 3 months and be rechecked in August. He said he may be taking a large amount of supplements (we thought 200,000+ IU a week was a lot) to bring him up and even maintain, but that there is never “too much” you can take and we just have to figure out how much is enough for him. Unfortunately this is a side effect of the gastric bypass, and unfortunately his family practitioner isn’t well knowledged in care of a bariatric patient, so this is where we’ve come. BUT, we’re moving forward with doctors who DO know how to help him and are working fervently to find the solution. And this doctor made a comment that was reassuring that regardless of the complications, this surgery was a good thing Jon did for his health (coming down from 500 pounds to a low of 197 - gaining about 60 pounds while being basically immobile for a year which he hopes to lose again).

So that’s what’s going on around here - always something new it seems.
But God is GOOD and we are so thankful that Jon is able to walk again, be outside and even help with some yard work, and hopefully work his way back to being stay at home dad while I work my normal hours. In that aspect if you could please pray for us as parents. Riley is a difficult child and we’re dealing with a lot of behavior problems which are especially straining on Jon when he tries to watch him while I work. Just pray for God to show us the right things to do and to be calm and have the right attitudes through it all.

We appreciate your prayers and are so thankful to be giving GOOD news lately rather than bad!!! Hopefully they will continue to be good updates in the future!!

God bless and have a wonderful week!

{Just a few pics for fun}

Just a little bit of update...

There's no book to be written really for this update, but it's a GOOD update, so it's well worth my time! :)

Jonathan has seen improvement!!!! His leg jerks have decreased and he has not fallen nearly as much as before. Praise God!!

That being said, he is still suffering from very serious pain (remember one of the meds decreasing is his primary pain medication), and excruciating spinal headaches & migraines. He is anxious to be up and moving again, and finds himself trying to do more with less leg issues...and pushes too hard too soon. Saturday he tried to be outside with the kids and do a "little" around the yard. Unfortunately he had a fall and ended up with a rock landing on his hand, so he's having pain with that now too. BUT...he is improving in the leg issue area!

But we are thankful to see even this small/huge improvement and continue to pray for complete healing!!

Thank you for all the prayers, friends!!

So Much Cuteness!!